Dear Disney,

What the hell ever made you think the movie “The Black Cauldron” would be a great movie for kids?  Seriously.  The rats have fangs, bats screech and fill the screen, the witches try to eat someone (they turned into a frog), and there’s an army of dead people.  Oh yeah, in the beginning you get the shit scared out of you when they raise the axe to behead the pig!  What. The. Fuck. Disney.

Signed,

Traumatized for life

I miss your yumminess. I would just go buy you but it cost  pre=”cost “>to much and I’m a fatty who has to take diet meds (prescribed) so I really can’t have the caffeine. No worries though, I will come back to you one day. I only have a few more pounds to go until I’m a MILF

Always yours,

A. Drinker

Really? After I work all day hanging up pictures that have taken you four years to put off the only thing you can say is “that’s not where I wanted them.” Well, tough. You had FOUR years to put them where you wanted to. Since I’m the one who took initiative and your hammer I’m the one who decides there they go. Your welcome for saving you the time.

Sincerely

Wife #1

You suck! No really you do! Stop bloody F’ing biting me. Pick on someone else for a change. There is only so much space on my body for you to bite. K. Thx.

Sincerely

I. Itch

Please do something with your face. It is hideous. That’s all.

Sincerely
Not Hungry Anymore

Dear Slacker.com,

Please stop crashing. I keep having to listen to Pandora. That’s fine and all…..but Pandora is no Slacker. So please, stop crashing. In order for me to not go insane at work, I need good music. My sanity depends on you functioning. Don’t let me down. They don’t let you use the portable slacker radio or the intertubes in the asylum.

KTHNXBYE

Lucentabella

Dear Sidekick,

Today, you got mad an stormed off because I disproved your statement that plasma TVs are cheap because they are becoming obsolete to LCD & LED flat screen TVs. You are under the impression that LCD & LED tvs have better quality pictures. I’m sorry if it burst your bubble to hear me disprove your statement with true statements (i.e. The wider viewing angle and deeper black provide for a cleaner line and better picture). I should just let you believe your own stupidity. I mean, I have yet to explain to you that it’s “want” not “wont” when you desire something. Look how well that’s turned out. I get to laugh at you (though on the inside) and you get the attention you want (by sending mass emails).

Sincerely,

I. M. Smarterthanu

NEVER NEVER do that again. That was WAY too much alcohol for one night. UGH

Dear Temper Pedic

Who the f@$% has a bed in the middle of a field? Really? That is the dumbest commercial yet. Also, if there WAS a bed in the middle of a field bugs would crawl in your mouth and nose while you sleep and that’s just nasty.

 

sincerely

Sleep N. Doors

Dear Beyonce,

Classy as always. I will continue to purchase your music. Your mama should be proud.

Sincerely,

Lucentabella