Dear Hooks,

I’ve had the displeasure of working with you for 6 years now. In that time, I’ve learned – YOU ARE THE MOST ANNOYING PERSON ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVER GET A GIRL TO AGREE TO MARRY YOU MUCH LESS EVEN GO OUT WITH YOU? Seriously?

Utterly in shock,

Bea Utiful

Compare To Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Dear Malt-o-Meal,

I took your suggestion and compared these to Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Your box

even says,

Betcha you can’t taste the difference!

I think I speak for many of us

You haven't tried this cereal have you?

when I say, that is a bold face lie.  You
must be pretty confident in your product to make such a statement. I suggest you
reevaluate how much confidence you have in your “Cinnamon Toasters.”

Clearly, you haven’t tasted your version of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  Well, I have tried your “cinnamon” cereal. Here’s what I think you should print on the box,

Betcha, if you had no taste buds or sense of smell or you think Cinnamon
Toast Crunch tastes like stale paste with fake sugar and a hint of yuck, you
can’t tell the difference!

Or

Our cereal pretends to be like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but it’s not really like
it at all. Just admit you’re cheap or spend the extra dollar for something that
won’t make you gag.
Sincerely,

Cindy

This was PC Magazine’s 2007 Editors’ Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But, my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s’ monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . .

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

Dear 60 Minutes,

You are dead to me. Dead. I’ve had it with this “we’re just gonna say we’re 60 minutes but we’re not gonna run less than 90 minutes EVER.”. You’re show sucks, your main audience is asleep by the time you air, and Andy Rooney needs to trim those caterpillars he calls eyebrows!

XOXO,

Lucentabella

Dear Driver of the car in front of me,

Are you waiting for an open invitation? Friggin’ GO!

Sincerely,

The Honker

Dear GPS Lady,

Thank you for eventually getting me near my destination. I have some suggestions for our next trip:

1) Please learn your right from your left

2) Please limit turn reminders to 1 mile or less notifications

3) Please decide before we get to a “next turn” if I should actually turn (u-turns are dangerous & often illegal here)

4) The interstate, though more mileage, is quicker than back roads through neighborhoods. Let’s stick to the “fastest time” option that I selected

Thanks!

Rough Rider

Dear Disney,

What the hell ever made you think the movie “The Black Cauldron” would be a great movie for kids?  Seriously.  The rats have fangs, bats screech and fill the screen, the witches try to eat someone (they turned into a frog), and there’s an army of dead people.  Oh yeah, in the beginning you get the shit scared out of you when they raise the axe to behead the pig!  What. The. Fuck. Disney.

Signed,

Traumatized for life

I miss your yumminess. I would just go buy you but it cost  pre=”cost “>to much and I’m a fatty who has to take diet meds (prescribed) so I really can’t have the caffeine. No worries though, I will come back to you one day. I only have a few more pounds to go until I’m a MILF

Always yours,

A. Drinker

Really? After I work all day hanging up pictures that have taken you four years to put off the only thing you can say is “that’s not where I wanted them.” Well, tough. You had FOUR years to put them where you wanted to. Since I’m the one who took initiative and your hammer I’m the one who decides there they go. Your welcome for saving you the time.

Sincerely

Wife #1

You suck! No really you do! Stop bloody F’ing biting me. Pick on someone else for a change. There is only so much space on my body for you to bite. K. Thx.

Sincerely

I. Itch